A Note on Gaslighting Women's Pain - The Spouse Edition

My Problem with Groups

I'm a member of quite a few chronic pain support groups online. Generally these are useful places to ask for advice, recommendations, chat with others about common issues, vent, etc etc. I've had to take a break from following some of these groups though, as there is a disturbing trend that I'm struggling to keep quiet about: spouses ignoring or belittling their wife's/girlfriend's/significant other's pain.

The Nature of the Problem

Let's not get into a broad discussion about abuse. Really serious behaviour, really super negative comments, threats, actions and intent are not my aim here. People being deliberately awful or harming you intentionally are generally pretty easy to spot. And their behaviour, for whatever reason, has fairly black and white consequences.

But a SCARY number of women post things like:

"My husband's a good guy, but..."
"He works really hard to support us as I can't work, but sometimes he calls me lazy..."
"I know he's just overwhelmed, but when he tells me to suck it up I feel so much worse..."
"I know 'everyone has pain', but he keeps saying this whenever I get sick..."

And so on. All on and around the theme of "you're not trying hard enough", "you could if you wanted to", "you're being lazy", "you're exaggerating", "you're just being weak" etc. And all of these have the same root: not believing the woman about her pain. The scale, the nature and the frequency of her pain.

Ignoring the Problem

So I'm sure plenty of non-chronic pain sufferers would read the above and be appalled. Why would someone say that? Why would you put up with someone saying that? If someone's not good for you, you shouldn't be with them. All very predictable responses grounded in the fundamental assumption that the person has a choice. Or the ability to leave. Or the willingness to throw a long term relationship away. Or the capability to care for themselves, or find someone else to care for them. It's also based on the assumption that this happens to just a few women - that this isn't the norm. Which of course it is.

(For more detail on the prevalence of the problem and further info, see this Harvard Health Publishing piece).

So let's ignore the "just don't put up with it" comments as entirely missing the point. The point is simple: too many women experience this from the person they have chosen to trust most in the world. Not their doctor - although of course so so so many women aren't heard by their doctors - but their spouse. You know, the "in sickness and health" person.

Rationalizing the Problem

Not believing women is not new and it's not surprising. And living with pain is HARD - on everyone. Of course it is, and of course caregivers experience their own gamut of issues, and everyone has bad days, and no one is perfect, and all of that. That's all perfectly understandable and lovely and forgiving and everything. But getting run down or overwhelmed or frustrated is not an excuse. If it were, it would happen equally to both men and women, and it would be sporadic. No, language of this kind, that refuses to acknowledge the pain another person is experiencing, is a form of gaslighting.

Naming the Problem

Someone is experiencing something and responding to it, and you're telling them they're wrong. You're telling them they're not experiencing the thing they're experiencing. You're telling them they're making it up, or exaggerating. You're not telling them that you're struggling and could really do with their help even though they're in pain. You are telling them what they can feel in their body, and then dictating how they should react.

If that isn't the most fundamental form of gaslighting, then I sure as fuck don't know what is.

The (Un)Intended Consequences of the Problem

This behaviour isn't just rude, or dismissive or cruel. It harms the chronic pain patient's ability to self-manage their own pain. It throws an obstacle in the path of pain management by mis-characterizing the problem. It contributes to depression, anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. It adds to the wealth of other experiences that leads women to mistrusting their own bodies - which are already malfunctioning. And it significantly exacerbates feelings of guilt those in chronic pain are already feeling about their own lack of ability and their own self-care.

One Solution to the Problem

I'm not trying to say that every partner who has used a phrase like those listed above is EVIL, doesn't love you, or is trying to harm you. People are complex and there are more shades of grey than there are Avengers movies. But someone who speaks like this needs to change their language and behaviour. So how about this:

"I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but I need your help."
"I'm struggling too, I feel like I'm doing everything by myself."
"I didn't sign up to be a caregiver; I love you but I'm finding this very hard to adjust to."
"The pressure is getting to me, I can't do everything without you."

Language that avoids blame and acknowledges everyone's struggles is, if nothing else, a step in the right direction. If you can't handle the pain another person is experiencing, that's OK, but you can't blame them for it or pretend it doesn't exist. And allowing someone else to blame you for your pain, no matter the reason, is an act of self-harm. You will never feel any better if you're not allowed to manage how you actually feel.

Not every spouse wants to hear your feedback on the nuances of their language choices. In fact, I'd go so far to say that basically no one wants that. Well, tough. I'm sorry, but there it is. You have a choice: you can live with it, or you can try to change it. Your spouse has a choice: they can ignore you, or they can try to make things better. This, at least, is black and white. And at least by prompting the discussion, you'll know if your partner's choice of words is deliberate or not.

The Bigger Problem

The elephant in the room is that the root cause of why this disproportionally affects women, why this is a basically female problem, is that people don't believe women. They don't listen to women's experiences in their own bodies. This isn't a personal attack on women by men alone, it's a deeply held and taught societal belief that we just can't help but pick up and internalize as we interact with the world. Pure sexism, plain and simple. Enacted by ordinary people going about their day without any intent to harm or marginalize (mostly).

See how easy it is to believe someone else's opinion on what's going on in your body, over your own? You have it too. So asking or demanding that spouses change the way they think and speak is not enough; we must change the way we think of ourselves too.

So... that's more emotional homework for the chronically-in-pain. Great. Thanks Amy. I guess clicking "unfollow" on the groups giving me pause and then just hoping for the best was never going to be a completely satisfactory solution...